A Talk With a Stranger

Some time ago, while enjoying a friends hospitality I spent some time conversing with another guest whom I had not previously met. He was a musician, a poet and an all round artist with aspirations to an enlightened life. Our conversation had turned, as it often does, to career paths and I was explaining my rather mundane job when our mutual friend chimed in about how the job may be dull but my hobbies weren't. That, of course, turned us to a discussion of all of the out of the way knowledge I had accumulated on locksmithing, bush-craft, survival, homesteading, gunsmithing, self defense and so on. After questioning me a little about all of that he thought for a moment and said "It seems you've accumulated every possible negative skill". At the moment I didn't react. Everyone has a right to an opinion after all and it was clear that it wasn't an invitation to a debate. He had simply stated what he thought without malice... but it did make me think.

As I began to consider that short sentence it started to sound more and more like an accusation. No matter what the belief system, most people seem to be willing to acknowledge the link between positive thinking/acting/energy and positive long term results. Whether you believe as I do that God rewards the state of your heart by making you a conduit for positive events, (otherwise known as being blessed) or that positive energy once exerted mentally and pysically is reflected by the universe and returned to you bearing the good energy of others, one thing is clear. Nothing good can come of exercising negativity.

So as I sat home later that night mulling over the implications of that one little comment I began to compile a list. Sadly, the more I thought it through, the more that guy seemed to have a point. I've learned a great deal about survival in a world void of infrastructure out of a belief that society will eventually fall to its own lack of foresight and compassion despite the fact that mankind has steadily risen for over 1000 years. I have learned to be content with few possessions convinced that once gained, someone will wish to deprive me of them. I have learned self defense and the art of the trigger because lacking material goods, the next step is the deprivation of my life and the lives of those I love. I have learned first aid because my previous suppositions have been proven true throughout our society. And every career choice I have pursued until just recently has been based on covering the same bases for others who have had to live with the same realities.

On the reverse of that coin, I cannot create beautiful images nor compose or perform music. I cannot please anyone's taste-buds or give them goosebumps. I can injure and aid but not heal. I can block ingress and egress but I cannot show anyone the Way. I can think but not teach and I can earn but not enrich. Nothing I do seems to bring anyone around me entertainment, hope, wisdom, peace or wealth. So I am forced now to re-examine every step of my path and decide whether the things I have learned are knowledge, wisdom or distraction. Am I more than the sum of my parts or a case study in desperate irrelevancy?

I have spent a long time trying to find meaning in small things because I always thought that being content with small images without the bigger picture was a good way to avoid that feeling one gets of being insignificant when compared to the workings of the universe. But the longer I follow my feet, the more I miss feeling like I have a purpose... and the more I wonder if that lack of purpose stems from a lifetime of negative pursuit.