Monday, February 14, 2011

A Valentine's Warning

On February 14, 1929, Al Capone ordered the murder of five members of the North Side Gang in Chicago. This bloody event eventually became known as the St. Valentine’s Day massacre. Experts believe that the hit was set in motion by an unsuccessful attempt by Bugs Moran to eliminate Capone’s lieutenant Jack McGurn (along with the successful murders of several other key members of the Capone Organization) and continual power grabs for Capone’s territory. But there is another issue here which deserves contemplation… The fact is, a bloodbath is the perfect complement to this mind-rape travesty of a Holiday.

Every year I have stepped up onto my soapbox and spoken against this unholy institution. Every year I take this opportunity to interject some reason, some resistance, to this ridiculous invasion of heart shaped boxes and disgusting, misspelled candy. Yet, despite my efforts, I watch the sheeple of this great nation once again get herded into a mass of doey eyed, slack jawed Shakespearians who are willing to get wallet raped by their local florist for a dozen-count bundle of hay-fever. All for the sake of doing what they should be doing EVERY DAY. I have watched as the single folks around me are pitied, avoided, ridiculed and given advise until it becomes their dearest ambition to beat senseless the next fool who wishes them a “happy singles awareness day”. Countless single cubicle jockeys dream of drowning couples in a frothy mixture of chocolate syrup and their own arterial spray every time they are forced to watch a flower delivery (or one of those weird singing valentines) come off the elevator on their floor. And God forbid any of us have to go to the store for a gallon of milk lest we be trampled by the scores or self absorbed pricks who forgot the whole thing to begin with and are now forced to make a mad dash for a trinket, card or flower to appease the God of Poor Planning.The result is that, by Valentine’s Day, I am ready to slit my wrist with a Golden Heart Pendent.

In the interest, therefore, of blowing off some steam let me make a couple of suggestions for all our benefit. First, if you are one of the happily coupled zombies who thrive on this madness, don’t involve the rest of us. Keep your tonsil hockey and “surprise” proposals to yourself. We already have enough to deal with with considering our retinas are burned from all the pink we’re seeing. Trust me, we are at any moment, going to hurl from the smell of those chalky little candies with the misspelled words. If you dare to ignore this suggestion, there are scores of us who would be happy to boil you alive in your own cologne/perfume.
Second, If you know that someone in your life is single, have the good form NOT TO BRING IT UP! Saying “happy singles awareness day” to the wrong someone is a good way to end up as a chalk outline on the 5 O’clock news. Keep your mouth shut and stay safe.
I propose that this should be a segregated holiday, each side keeping to itself for the sake of everyone’s safety. Cross the fluffy red line at your own peril! To all of you who love this day, beware the wrath of the silent minority lest we celebrate the way Capone’s men demonstrated with two Tommy Guns and footlocker full of ammo.

2 comments:

  1. haha! such a big bark! mmmnnnnhhh! : P

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  2. Coming from the anonymous commentator...

    ReplyDelete